The Dogs Who Are “Soooooo Nice—But … ”

This article continues our reflections on safety and compliance (see previous articles) in ourrelationships with dogs. It began as a conversation with friends, who would tell me, “He just wants to be near me now that he likes me.” And as I listened, I tried to explain what it really is… and what it is not. I realised how difficult it is to convey in just a few words and so I decided to write about it.

We often think of dogs who are always gentle, cooperative and seeking contact as being happy and well-adjusted. From the outside, it can certainly look like that. Dogs who never say no, who never growl, who stick close, who lick endlessly… these are the dogs people often admire. They seem so “loving”, so “easy”, so “perfect”…

But when we look deeper, we see that some dogs do all of this not because they feel safe or comfortable, but because they have learned very early on that being nice (compliant) is the safest way to exist in the world. They adapt when they are afraid. They appease, they submit, they flatter, they cling … They give affection before it is asked. In the Gundog world, these dogs are often described as having “a will to please”.

In human psychology, the term fawning describes a stress response in which a person seeks to appease others and gain approval in order to feel safe (Walker, 2013). Dogs can show a similar response: their “niceness” may not come from a real sense of comfort, but from a learned strategy to navigate a world that can feel unsafe. For many of them, the message is something like: “please don’t hurt me”, “I’ll be nice”, “I’ll stay close”, “I’ll do what you ask” … “because I’m a social being and I need connection to feel safe” … These responses are often learned very early in life and are not signs of a flaw but ways of coping with uncertainty or past aversive experiences.

Over time, this response can become deeply ingrained. The body is never truly at rest and every interaction becomes a quiet performance of “being lovable”, “being acceptable” in an attempt to feel safe. The nervous system stays on alert, engaging the sympathetic nervous system in what we know as the “4Fs”: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn, making true relaxation difficult until dogs feel safe and able to trust. What began as a way of coping can turn into a constant state of vigilance, where relaxation is rare and authenticity feels risky.

Dogs use calming signals and, as we know, these are healthy, peaceful ways of communicating and living together. They are part of how dogs naturally navigate the world. The difficulty arises when dogs begin to rely on appeasement constantly from a place of unease, when they feel they must keep signalling in order to stay safe.

Often this reflects the absence of a secure attachment (Bowlby & Ainsworth, 1969/1978). When that deep sense of safety is missing, dogs cannot fully relax within their relationships and remain in a state of emotional alertness. Their fawning is the expression of a nervous system still waiting to feel safe enough to truly rest.

The “he” I referred to in the first paragraph is Rochas. For those who don’t know, he is an eight-year old ex-police detection dog who experienced aversive methods before he came to live with us. When he approaches people he knows and believes he can “trust”, he wags his tail, may nuzzle and seems to seek contact. However, this contact is not truly relaxed in the way we might imagine. If someone moves suddenly or looks directly at him, he will shy away. What looks like affection is actually a form of appeasement, a way for him to manage the vigilance and anxiety that are still present within him. Rochas has only been living with us for two and a half years and by offering him all the things we talk about: predictability, trust, opportunities to feel safe and a consistent relationship as well as by supporting friends to interact in ways that reassure him (the hand signal), we are starting to see moments when he realises, he does not need to appease and can simply be himself.

Many years ago, Purdey came to live with us when she was two years old. People would say, “Oh, she loves people. Just look at her! She’s always coming up to us, always happy.” And yet the truth was very different. Purdey could not truly cope with people. Rushing up, jumping, rolling over, offering her belly, were her ways of responding to someone new, appeasing and protecting herself in the only way she knew. She was communicating clearly, even if this was misinterpreted by those meeting her. As we know, behaviour is communication and once we were able to help people understand how to respond and respect her signals, she learned that she could feel safe and lived a long, happy life with us, crossing the bridge at 14.

The dogs who seek contact or stroking are not always happy and the dogs who never refuse are not always free. What may appear as affection can be a request for it as a protective gesture, a shield against unease. In line with our PDTE ethics, our responsibility is to see dogs clearly and respond in ways that honour them, not by pushing them away, correcting or controlling, but by being a calm, consistent and reliable presence.

By offering predictability, creating opportunities for them to feel safe, respecting them and meeting their real needs, we allow them to experience that they are safe even when they don’t perform, loved even when they are quiet or loud and respected especially when they say “NO.” When these dogs no longer have “to please” to survive, they can finally rest. And simply… be.

This is not training; it is living together — It is a way of life, for life.

Marina Gates Fleming,

TR IDTE Happy and Relaxed Dogs

CR Belgium

March 2025

Endnote:

For an accessible discussion of fawning as a trauma response in humans, see Understanding Fawning, Helen: The Journal of Human Exceptionality (Nov 2025), which explains Walker’s concept as a survival strategy in trauma, where people seek safety by meeting others’ expectations. Available at: https://helenjournal.org/november-2025/understanding-fawning